By Rhiannon Sue Fisk

I never had much luck with boys

I was rather a bitch

Until about the age of twelve

And then I got the itch

I started to suck in my gut

And care about my bangs

While on the celery soup diet

I got hunger pangs

My friends all got married under

A big oak tree at school

Complete with rings and kiddie priests

We sang songs by Jewel

There was a boy I liked named Greg

But Greg did not like me

He married a girl named Gina

And I threw confetti

Other boys in middle school

They sent flowergrams

I got one from my gay boyfriend

And a guy I liked in band

There were three boxes he could check

His said come to the dance

It was the beginning of a

Very silly romance

Chorus:

What was I searching for?

Was it love or was it more?

What would it take to see

There is no perfect harmony?

This boy, he followed me around

For two or three long years

Singing songs on his guitar

And telling me his fears

When I went away to school

My mind, I said, had changed

He looked at me as though he thought

His world was rearranged

I felt bad, but had to go

Learn more about my art

Ironically he followed me

And there he broke my heart

Then there was the painter

Who wanted to paint my soul

He said, “I’ll make you immortal”

I said, “I have to go”

Many of my friends in school

Were actors just like me

Friends with benefits were cool

In our society

But then one day one led me

On an epic trail of tears

And I said, “to hell with this my friends,

I’m celibate this year”

Repeat Chorus

I found myself directing

A Greek play in a black box

My leading man was witty,

Quite charming and a fox

We took a class together

Anthropology

We learned that homo ergaster

Is now you and me

We sat nearly in the back row

Of the auditorium

I said, “I need an adventure”

He said, “I’ll grab my gun”

I said, “please paint pictures for me

Of the things I cannot see”

He said, “we’ll need more than one lifetime

For all the possibilities”

Now we stand onstage together

And talk about deep thoughts

Like the fourth dimension

And how best to use robots

I do not speak for him

And he does not speak for me

But when we speak together

It’s perfect harmony

NOTES: Everything in this song is 100% fact.  ADDED NOTES:  When my mom & I went on the celery soup diet I lost 11 pounds.  My friends celebrated by filling my locker with Pringles & Twizzlers/ Not to slander Gina, but I’m pretty sure she married Rick too/ The boy who followed me around with his guitar sang almost exclusively from the Beatles catalog/ I have an entire notebook filled with scribbled flirting we did in that anthropology class